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Chocolate was discovered by the ancient Chocotec people of ancient Central America. Chocolate was assumed to be the food of the gods, and only priests and members of the aristocracy were allowed it. These days, you can go into any Mexican restaurant and order it, without the need to offer up a member of your family for sacrifice. Unfortunately, they tend to serve it as sauce on turkey.



Okay, so it happens every year; but they keep changing the date, and its the best holiday there is, because you get Saturdays and two Sundays

and as far as I can make out it is the festival of chocolate which is like a religious thing, the feast day of St Cadbury I think,

the one they named the chocolate bar after, you know, after St Francis Drake brought it back from America,

which is weird because they call it Hershey bars over there; but anyway I really like it you know you get these big chocolate eggs, and every year you get told you can't eat them until the first Sunday, the one after the second Saturday but of course you sneak down on the Friday - probably - and eat one and hide the box down the back of the sideboard


and you always think that this time its going to be the one the real one that is like chocolate all through and it never is but you know the next one might be, so you eat that as well, and then you have to go out on the Sunday morning and buy some more, and its a good job Tescos is open - my mate works there and he looks at me and says you want to go easy on them Smarties, you are getting them down your neck like they was amphetamines, and I haven't got a problem with it I'm not a chocoholic and anyway what is chocohol ?

I don't know but if it is anything like those rotten liqueur chocolates you get brought home from the duty free, I don't want any, they are like sugar soaked in lighter fuel and that is saying something, I mean why ruin the taste of the chocolate in the first place - mind you that Baileys isn't bad but I always have a Mars bar float in mine - but I can take it or leave it alone; I don't have to have a 500gm bar of Lindt cooking chocolate first thing in the morning, it's just that its there on the pillow, and it would be silly not to, when I was little my dad told me sailors in the navy have to have chocolate to drink to keep them warm, but I think it was rum,

and can you imagine St. Horatio Nelson 

with a hot mug of Galaxy, I mean they would most probably have had Fruit & Nut  to keep off scurvy, but these days you have Head & Shoulders, but that always make me feel sick - on one of the Sundays they always have Disney time and because its a proper holiday there's usually an old James Bond film 

on and if you have not eaten it all in the morning you can sit and watch Sean Connery and Mickey mouse and Pluto and Blofeld and eat the sweets on the inside just like you were at the pictures but they've started putting toys in them now, what is the point of that? it is worse than those Kinder surprises: I had a surprise when I got one and ate it and it was all plastic and it had a dinosaur in it and it wasn't even a chocolate one that's the Germans for you, I bet it was them that killed St Cadbury in the war .
Never mind 4 week paternity leave, never mind the 40 hour week, the 4 day weekend is what we should all be angling for. It would make the world a better place - bad stuff always happens Mon-Fri.
A fine upstanding man, a native of Bournville Plain,His sermon at the Belgian town of Snickers was instrumental in converting the low countries
St Cadbury's sticky martyrdom was believed to have been that most Prussian cruelty, the chocolate drop. Or it might have been chocolate sachertorture
If you order rum & coke in Siberia, you get rum and cocoa. Three or four will allow you to walk home heedless of the 30 below night. In your shirtsleeves.
Possibly Rum & Raisin, which when you think about it would kill two birds with one stone, which isn't that hard if it is a really big stone, but the RSPCPB or whatever they are called will want to talk to you about it. I don't know - people in this world are starving, and other people have the luxury of worrying about the welfare of the contents of a casserole.
You can tell your age by what you think sideboards are made of. Try our handy test: glass & steel -  you are under 10, MDF  - you are 20 years +, Chipboard -  you are 30 years +, Plywood -  you are 50 years +, Oak - you are 70 years +, Mahogany - you are 120 years +, Walnut - you are 200 years +
C2 H5 OH CO CO A, if I remember my O level chemistry
Your Easter Basket
Richard Mitchell

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Horatorio Nelson rose to great heights, despite only having one eye one arm and one leg. His decisive naval victory at Waterloo kept these Islands safe from French hordes ( and their perfumed chocalaterie) for generations. These days, they would probably say he was unfit for service because he was disabled.